Dreaming in digital

That is pretty much all I can do right now as a basic level EMT. And as the more serious calls are stacking up, I don't like this at all.

I can't wait until I can actually do something a little more sophisticated when I get the bad calls. But come January, I will be able to.

I was worried about the additional responsibility of being Advanced Life Support when I first started my cardiac EMT class. Now I recognize it as "knowledge as power". And I have always been someone who wanted to be able to change destiny if it was headed in the wrong direction. And historically, I have, in other aspects of my life.

I am finally getting the strong conviction that it was the right decision to advance my skills in EMS. I always knew it was a theoretically good thing, but it is starting to get hammered home.

But there is much studying to still be done. Much more practice running scenarios through my head. And the knowledge that, until January, I will have less tools in my toolbox to help things when shit hits the fan, when I am the one in the back running the call.

I have been really sad lately. So I've been keeping to myself. But I think things are finally getting better.

I'm sad and angry and okay and happy all at the same time.

Thinking that I need to speak up soon before I explode. But I don't know what to say.

Life is looking up. New possibilities are opening up. I am fucking scared. I'm taking a step back from several good things in case something bad happens.

But I already slipped into the water, in over my head. Already swallowed too much water and I feel sick to my stomach.

I need to start writing again. I don't know what's going on with me anymore.

Say bye bye Central Station!

So yesterday I gave my first nebulizer treatment. I assembled the plastic pieces, hooked it up to the oxygen tank, and put liquid albuterol in the chamber, and cranked up the oxygen. The medication started misting out like dry ice. I'll put a check mark next to that on my cool medical things to do list.

Things are starting to fall into place. A week ago, I was getting really tired of my cardiac class. Feeling the way I did when I was a science major, when I was learning all sorts of shit for no reason. Theories that meant nothing. But tonight, for the first time, I realized that when I look at an ECG (heart monitor), I understand it. It's like I learned a whole new language. I know what the rhythm is. Today, I could figure out what to do if I got a patient with an arrhythmia. Next week, I will know what do to. And by the end of the class, I will be able to do it, once we learn hands on IV skills, pushing drugs, intubation, and electrical therapy. Things are falling into place.

I am still looking into University of Maryland. Turns out it is a very LGBT place, which blows my mind after my high school and undergrad experiences. I can't wait to be thinking about bigger things in school, and doing bigger things out on the street.

And there is a girl. I have more or less adopted her to show her the ropes about things, life and work related. I look out for her, and she looks back hoping I am still there. I gave her my work schedule so she'll know where to find me. We are definitely growing closer and it's good to know I'll have another buddy in no time. She's interesting, and a cutie to boot.

So that's what's going on with me.

Today I lifted a 450 pound person on a 70 pound stretcher six inches off the ground and walked it into the back of the ambulance.

How the hell did I do that?

I eyeballed the situation and guessed 350-375. I was scared to lift that much. I was freaking out on the way to the ambulance when I realized I was the strongest of the two of us on the crew so it would be me. When I first tried the lift, the stretcher didn't even budge. But I somehow got the weight off the ground. And I wore grippy gloves and held on for dear life because the last thing I wanted was to have my hands slip.

I only found out the actual weight after the call when my partner told me. She didn't know until we already loaded the stretcher in.

I guess I am looking good for the firefighter test.

Goodness, was I giddy yesterday. For eight or nine hours it felt like I was running on turbo jets. I couldn't sleep until 3 am or so. And woke up for the morning runs at 4:30. So I am extremely tired, needless to say.

But for 9 hours, everything was fascinating. My wit was sharp, I was on top of my game, and the energy emanated from me. Driving home from class with the stereo up and the windows down singing "Lights out! Guerrilla Radio!" Good old Rage Against The Machine.

Even before that things have picked up a surreal light. Feels like I am walking on clouds.

Feeling good again. Starting to feel in touch with more philosophical things.

Why is it so hard to quit smoking???!!!

Damn damn damn damn

I stopped smoking again yesterday. I have a really bad respiratory infection and there are only so many days you can justify going outside to smoke when your lungs are filling with bad stuff that can't get out.

But I know that I can't just go off of nicotine because of all the stress right now. So Snus it is, for now. Still bad for you, but not nearly as bad as cigarettes, and healthier than dip or chew tobacco because it doesn't have shards of glass in it. And they come in little pouches. It's kind of like tea bags shaped like pieces of gum. That's the best way I can describe it.

Speaking of which, they should come up with a caffeine version of them. That would be brilliant beyond imagination.

I hope I start breathing better soon. It's still been less than 24 hours since my last cigarette, so my cilia probably won't start growing back and be sweeping this infection out of my lungs for another 8 hours or so.

So working out... I am easily in the best shape of my life right now. I have been focusing a lot on weights, but more importantly, on easy and hard cardio. I change up my cardio and do stairmaster one day, hill intervals another day, and an easy 1.5-2 mile run another day. My legs are getting really strong, and my stamina is quickly building up. That's exactly the direction I need to be headed in to pass the agility test.

Plus I have slowly but steadily been tacking on weight. But this cold will probably cause me to drop at least 5 pounds once this is all said and done.

I just saw my dad. He said that, upper body wise, I am probably the strongest person in the family right now. Which is a huge compliment, considering the fact that my little brother has been starting to weight train for college hockey. Little girl of the family win!

Enough of this. It is time to eat a little more and go next door and get some serious studying done. And go for a very light run, despite the fact that I feel like absolute shit.

I suspect I will be off the radar for a while for that reason.

My head is so full of things to worry about, I am already forgetting things left and right. Any obligations which don't directly deal with work or school or getting in shape are all falling by the wayside.

I am emotionally worn out. Working out helps a little though. Not depressed, not super hyped up, just blah. I don't have the energy to care. When things happen, I just laugh or be scientific about it, depending on the company.

I did sleep today though. Finally, some good sleep. But I still have weird dreams where I cut loose and do all sorts of illegal and generally reckless stuff. Safe to say that is my reoccurring dream right now. Someone I know interpreted it as feeling trapped in rules and constraints all of the time. Needing some time away from rules and responsibilities and obligations, which I am currently overrun with.

But that's that. Someone at my work told me this week, "RELAX!!!" I definitely need to. But I need to stop being obsessed with getting every little thing right. And that's how I roll.

So I continue to be MIA. Hope all is well with the rest of you.

The things that should bother me don't. The things that shouldn't bother me do.

What is the sense in that?

I heard a psychiatrist at a hospital make some snide remark about a young kid being well on their way to being a regular patient, in and out of hospitals. And I said, "Some people get better, you know."

And now I don't know if that's true or not. The doc gave me a look like, yeah, that's what you think. Wait until you see what's out there.

What if it is true?

Every neurotic aspect of me is due to one of two things, always:
1) Paranoia that I will somehow aggravate the wrong person at the wrong time
2) Impatience (related to perfectionism)

Do those two things ever go away? The second one can. But the first one is completely immune to any sort of improvement. Best you can do is not believe it. But that feeling of someone after you is always there.

I'm going to try to forget that I even thought about that, and I'm going to make mac and cheese before class.

OMG OMG OMG

I get the feeling that this is the most challenging time I have run into in a while. If not in my whole life.

First off, Cardiac class. We are about to jump into more difficult stuff. Pharmacology, advanced protocol. But first, we are doing an intense review of anatomy and physiology. And I suddenly realize that I don't remember a whole lot from undergrad. I feel like I am just about at the same level as people without a bachelor's in biology. (And I wish I took anatomy in undergrad.) We did trauma exams last class, super intense, and different from how I was taught in Mass. But it went well.

I am going to have to study big time. I have made a lot of progress so far.

Second, the fire agility test. We had the practice session this morning. I was the only woman in a group of 14. And the only one under 160 pounds (I'm 130-135 right now). Needless to say, that was intimidating in itself.

Here's what is easy:
--Ladder carry and setup
--Pull down and push up station (Only if you put your legs into it. My lady guns can't do it on their own)
Here's what sort of sucks:
--Carrying heavy things up and down stairs
--Sprinting with a hose full of water
Here's what really really sucks:
--Hitting a sled with a sledgehammer. It took me 46 hits, normal is 18-26.
--225 pound dummy drag.

On the dummy drag, I had to stop three times, and tripped and fell once out of exhaustion. Apparently my face turned white ten feet from the end. But I just barely got it past the line.

When I finally finished the drag, the tester and guys in my group all clapped. I'm still not sure how I feel about that. It all felt surreal and I was feeling close to passing out. But they were super cool about it.

I have a lot of work ahead of me if I want to pass this. I got frustrated at times. If I pass, I will barely pass. But a pass is a pass, and a fail is a fail. I just have to find a way to get through this.

OMG OMG OMG. I hate feeling like this.

Something about a girl, the fact that I feel as though I have gotten dumb and won't do well in my class, and the fact that I hope I pass the firefighter test though I've never taken it before and have only heard that people barf or fail it.

Too many things at once.

Went to the arcade last night with my sister. Cleared a song last night that I haven't ever passed in an arcade before, with a B: http://www.ddrfreak.com/stepcharts/stepchart.php?song=spinthedisc&difficulty=Maniac&mode=Single&code=Normal&Submit=Submit

Also cleared another hard one that I thought was a 9, but turned out to be a 7.

Today I am weight lifting for the first time in a while. It is going to be awful. But I just have to get myself through it and not push so hard that I never want to go back to the gym. I don't know how much I want to do... legs? abs? arms? all of the above? We shall see. Maybe if I go light, I can do everything.

It is really hot outside.

This morning, my partner got three powerball numbers because the jackpot was around 220 million. He figured he'd give it a go.

People at work have been talking about the Physical Performance Assessment (PPA) test for firefighting candidates in RI. A lot of people who I wouldn't have thought would apply did. Ones that aren't much bigger or in better shape as me. People who smoke as much as I do.

The turning point was the powerball tickets and someone I admire signing up for it. I decided to give it a go. It's a $100 lotto ticket. If I pass the test, once January rolls around, I will be extremely qualified to apply to 90% of the fire departments in the state. By then, I will be an EMT-Cardiac, required for most departments. And I heard departments are really looking to hire women.

Today was the last day to sign up. I was around the 310th person to sign up, which I heard is a small number this year. A lot of departments are supposedly hiring this year, according to people in the know. Providence hires a lot and hires a lot of women, particularly Providence residents.

I will never know if I could get on the fire department unless I buy a lotto ticket to do this. The PPA test is my ticket. I might lose, but I might win. I might win big.

But I need to get in shape. Upper body, abs, lower body. Stairs, stairs and more stairs. Lots of walking. And blind sprints and balance. My plan is to hit the weights hard at the gym and do the treadmill and the stairmaster. But what is my ace in the hole? Dance Dance Revolution.

I got two months. Wish me luck. I will need it, with the sort of shape I am in now, and the level of motivation I have had lately.

I just had the craziest insight today. Like seeing the man behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz.

Life is good but absolutely wild. Dum bu dum dum dum.

This is something I have been feeling for a while now.

I think a lot about my life right now. Do I hate the situation I am in right now? Riding ambulances with guys who like to tease and be sort of mean to everyone, and being friends with people at work who are charming and fascinating in ways, but are completely unreliable for the most part. Or do I absolutely love it, living a dream that I have been wanting to do since I was in high school and even before that. Having the confidence to lift and move like I never have before. Driving with lights and sirens down the road, clearing every intersection, where red lights are a mere caution to look to make sure people let you go. Taking to the road, being with people in an odd cult(ure) that only we understand.

I know this is something I won't do forever. I live in a place with four distinct and beautiful seasons, where the leaves turn bright and the weather gets unbelievably cold. But I won't live here forever.

But on cigarette breaks when I am all alone at night, I see a completely different world. I see a world where I work with people who care about bigger things. An ultimate good, versus a world where people are dying or drug seeking or losing their minds to dementia or psychosis. Rationality and introspection versus a medical science that evaluates and acts on outside forces.

I talk about this all the time. But there are even more things at work.

Will things ever get better? Will I have mornings where I think about plans and not break into a cold sweat? Will I ever meet a girl who is not taken, straight, a complete tease, or a stripper? Will I ever have the clarity of mind again to have the sort of conversations that used to come easily? Will I feel alive again outside of work? Will I ever regain the respect of people who loved my reckless idealism and pursuit of truth who see my completely inconsistent and sometimes irresponsible lifestyle that I live now?

I fear that I am becoming someone I am not. And I fear that things will not change for a while. Because I have a hard choice in front of me that seemed so easy a few days ago, but is now becoming extremely difficult.

Because I really need to. I honestly just want to get back on the straight (well maybe not straight) and narrow.

I am so fucking tired of everything going on. Things feel out of control. I feel like I am at the mercy of the shit that surrounds me. Getting hung up on. Getting dragged along with things that I don't like and wouldn't choose if left to my own devices and no outside forces. I feel like life could be better than this, that I could be doing more. Because I say that things will change, but I stay on the same trajectory. And things do not change nicely when you rely on an unstable Jenga tower to change things on its own. When you're set in a path, changes happen in a fireball out of your control. It was eleven months ago to the day that a fireball changed the direction of my life.

Autonomy, people. This is what I am getting fired up about. I can't even remember what it was like to call my own shots.

No changes will be too big. But I suspect the results will have dramatic effect.

I had such an amazing weekend. Unbelievable.

Went out last night with a friend to a strip club and dropped a bunch of money. VIP baby. Love Rhode Island.

Everything felt so surreal by the end of the night. A beautiful girl paying lots of attention to us. Strong drinks. A good friend by my side. Not a worry in the world. It felt like I was walking on clouds. I haven't felt that good in a long time.

I don't party like that very often. It's back to the long work week for me.

It's good to know that, every now and then, the world becomes beautiful.

Hopefully I should be feeling better soon. It starts tonight. Was going to start last night, but I got tired and almost overslept my shift. I was lucky I even got to the door a minute late.

I am looking for a change. I think I need one badly. Trying to get in touch with my old idealistic side again. Trying not to get dragged down by negativity around me.

I see my friends doing things. Going to nursing school. Going to seminary. Joining volunteer fire departments. Going to law school, masters programs in liberal arts. I think going for my next EMT certification is a good start. But I am starting to get that idealistic look again and I am really feeling like going back into philosophy.

When you are intellectually sharp, things happen. Rain and snow become infinitely beautiful. You get moments of insight. God is with you. In some ways, you become one with God as you work towards things. Towards truth, excellence.

I am becoming a better EMT all the time, though. My patient assessments have gotten much better. Giving nurses reports is becoming second nature. I can mostly anticipate all of the questions they will ask. I can set up an IV bag for a partner. And I know my way around much better than I have in the past.

The biggest thing is, getting more comfortable with these things allows me to work on the human component of it. It clears my mind enough to be a little kinder and more understanding.

But I need to work on my health the most. I think that will come in time.